Seriously?
by FrozenLights
Summary: Collection of angsty, cracky, and anything-in-between one-shots on self insert stories that should never happen. Note warnings at top of each chapter. Summary of one-shots listed in Chapter 1 endnotes.
1. Bedside Manner

**A/N: **I can't believe I wrote this.

* * *

**_Bedside Manner._**

_Bedside manner? What's that?_

**_Warning_**_: _This SI character has a dirty mouth.

* * *

Fuck off.

Seriously.

Ok, sorry I shouldn't have said that. I'm a little drunk to be honest.

Don't give me that look. By drunk, I meant tipsy. If you were to get stabbed right now, in the chest, you'd still want me to be in that operating room, whether or not you could smell alcohol on my breath.

.

.

Shutup. It's not like I ever let myself get that drunk. I know fully well the dangers – I'm a friggin' medic nin ok?! (Also manipulating metabolism for the WIN!) And I was studying to become a doctor even before I was friggin born!

Oh shit. I never said that. You heard nothing? You got that?!

Seriously, all those months studying for the MCATS (SHUTTUP, IT WAS MONTHS OK? I swear I didn't cram it into two months), only to wake up in this friggin' world.

Fuck.

(Sorrynotsorry? I swear my language isn't this bad, but you try catching one hour of sleep over the course of three days only to see your hard work jump off the table and unravel your hard work…)

Anyway, I did make an honest attempt at becoming a ninja, but it really wasn't my thing ok? So don't say that I don't understand a little bit of your mentality (fucking suicidal if you ask me). What's this? It's a scalpel.

Why am I holding it?

Well how else am I supposed to pin down my patients?

Kidding! Kidding. … kinda. But seriously, how is it any different from you going out there, _tearing your stitches_, and getting stabbed by a dozen kunai? At least this is sterile. Yeesh, I'll put it away.

By the way, I welded that window shut. So don't bother going out that way – and if you break it, don't bother trying to pay the hospital back, I'll be coming after you myself.

What?! I was bored, and Mitarashi-san offered to teach me. But anyway, I _was_ a genin and everything. Got myself a sensei for all of two hours before she failed us. Still, she was pretty cool.

Urgh, just lie down ok? Jeez, I thought I could avoid all this shit in the hospital. Avoid this nonsense and drama and the general dangers of being a red-shirt.

Oh right, just ignore me. Anyway, what's your name again?

Rin?

Huh, sounds familiar. Well, I expect to see you right here when I come by – understand?

I don't give a damn if you have a fucking mission. Citation? Fuck that and the shit it came in on – jeez, here's what I have to say. You. Are. Injured.

End of story.

That means, you park your ass right here. The only thing you're getting up for is coffee – for me, and then maybe, just maybe I'll think about giving you an early release.

Ah oops, was that your teammate?

Yea whatever, he shouldn't have snuck up. Do you think I have the reflexes to combat you shinobi? Yeesh, hell no, I drug everyone who comes through that door.

I HAVE A NON DISCIMINATION POLICY!

Don't give me that look. Anyway, here, you two can share a bed, right? Oh wait, is that against hospital policy. Ugh, I need more sleep.

Anyway, no missions. I have no patience for this shit.

Don't tell me you noticed, if you noticed you wouldn't be trying to sneak out! Do you know how long it takes….?

Oh, you're studying to be a field medic-nin? Best of luck to ya. Wait a sec - YOU SHOULD KNOW BETTER THAN ANYONE! Freaking hell, wha-

Tips? For you? You mean other than being a better patient?

Roofies.

Kidding...seriously, don't listen to a word I'm saying.

What do you mean 'that explains a lot'? I'll have you know that I've only ever used tranqs!

First field mission? What? Tomorrow? Didn't I just - ok fine, here. Sign the release forms first.

Huh, nice signature. Get your teammate to sign this too.

He's not awake? Whelp sucks to be you. Guess that means neither of you can leave. Doctor's orders and all.

Yea, yea, yea. You guys never listen to me, why the hell should I listen to you. Night. Go the hell to sleep.

Heh.

suckers.

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**A/N Cont:** So the original concept was that a SI character decides to avoid the whole ninja thing by going into medicine - especially since she already had a head start in that (no, I'm not in the medical track). The idea was that anyone would get pissed off if their work kept on getting unraveled... so this just came out.

idek. I thought this would serve as a better first chapter than the second one, but now I'm not even sure. I'll keep a Table of Contents updated here for my own and your reference. I'm marking this story complete since I don't know when the next inspiration will come. :shrugs:

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**Table of Contents:**

1. Bedside Manner.

2. Bumped His Head. _Who'd want to deal with the massacre? An Uchiha SI. _


	2. Bumped His Head

**A/N**: I blame/credit **illiana** for giving me the push to write this down.

**Warnings**: References/direct mention of suicide.  
(This one-shot is so not PC. As always, whatever I write in my fics may not accurately reflect my beliefs.)

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**Bumped His Head**  
_An Uchiha SI_

* * *

_It's raining. It's pouring. The old man is snoring. He went to bed and bumped his head and couldn't get up in the morning. _

I wished _I_ hadn't gotten up – least of all because I remembered this rhyme.

I was nine, still in the Academy. Life was simple. Get up, go to school, come home, eat, train, sleep. Honestly, I kept my head down and did my best to please my parents – didn't really think more beyond that. Unfortunately, I must have been a klutz. During training one morning, when we had the day off, I slipped. When I came to, it was the afternoon.

I also remembered living a whole other life.

Have you ever solved a problem, feeling like you were barely following your own thoughts as you made one logic jump to the next? And by the time you found the solution, you could barely remember how you got there?

I mean, it wasn't as if I realized immediately that I had lived another life. At first I thought I had been the target of some enemy jutsu.

I'm pretty sure the crows were cackling at me as I jumped from the ground and started slapping at myself ineffectually. (Stop laughing. The reason for that sounded better in my head.

… ok there was no real reason. I blame the meshing of instincts from two different lives).

Anyway, realizing I was in the "Naruto-verse" felt like that; luckily (or unluckily) the little deductive skill I had from my previous life as a 25 year old carried over. I had only seen two anime that had kunai, and only one of them prominently featured head plates. It took maybe five minutes after I had woken up to come to the conclusion that I had woken up in the "Naruto-verse". Amazing the random things your mind retains.

Anyway, it took another day to believe it.

I was too busy dealing with the fact that I had been a girl, or rather that I was a boy now. A duuuude.

At least I hadn't had to deal with going through puberty as a guy. That might have been more difficult to understand. Still, for some reason, accepting that I was a guy was slightly more difficult than believing I was in a manga. Priorities, I know – I have none.

Maybe, I also wanted to deal with the whole gender issue more than what being in a manga would mean.

Seriously. All authors like to torture their main characters in some way or form. There's a reason why "happily after's" aren't a story by themselves. Real life is a big enough of a challenge, but capping reality with fictional drama?!

FML.

Ok, yea. Could you tell I was trying deny something that's a bit major? Like what my last name means for me?

Ah. Right. Forgot to mention, my last name's Uchiha.

Uchiha Yuki.

Shuttup. So what if the character for my name's also the one for fortune?

Anyway, the stages of grief?

I don't know them (goshImisstheinternet), but I probably went through them. It wasn't even so much as grief that I had lost everyone I knew in a different life (because it didn't _feel _like I had lost them), as much as I'M PROLLY GONNA BE A MASSACRE VICTIM.

I mean, I'm saying this now when I can't even remember how I died, but dying doesn't really scare me so much as _how_ I was going to die.

Was it going to be long? Drawn-out? Painful?

The suspense was going to be killer.

Ok bad choice of words. But, yea. Suspense. (Worst part about horror movies in my opinion. Give me blood and gore, I can take that – laugh at it even because I could critique it and distance myself from it, but suspense?)

I spent maybe another week hoping that maybe I had just gone crazy. Then maybe another weekend stuck in a different stage of denial. _Maybe I could change something…_

I could convince the clan not to revolt.

I couldn't even backtalk my parents.

I could "persuade" Danzo not to give the order.

… and step near that old man who surrounds himself with kids? Chances are I'd die or find myself brainwashed in ROOT (I was betting on the former or both). At least I didn't have to worry about getting my eyes harvested since I didn't have the sharingan. Actually...scratch that thought.

I could ask Itachi not to kill the clan, maybe tell him what'd happen to his brother.

He was, what, four years older than me? I remember taking classes with kids five years older than me. I'd just toddle up to him and say….

#%^ I don't know.

This was the guy who killed his own parents, broke his brother's wrist,

LIKE WHO AM I KIDDING?

.

.

.

The benefit of being dumb is that you don't know when to quit. The downside of being just slightly smarter than dumb, but not being smart enough, is realizing that you should quit.

I took a bottle of sleeping pills and jumped.

In my defense, I forgot it was the same river that Shisui had died in. Also, it wasn't like I even really knew Itachi. How was I supposed to know he'd get the blame?

Yeesh. I mean I wrote a letter and everything. Granted, the ink might have been smudged between the booze and tears.

Aaannyway. It's not like I didn't strike back. I paid the Naruto brat to graffiti Danzo. Loaded the kid up with aerosols – mostly hairsprays. And before you start crying child endangerment (seriously? I'm in a manga with child soldiers), I warned him to use eye protection. I gave him goggles and everything.

And scuse me if he became a pyromaniac.

I never claimed to be mature.

(and it doesn't really count as grave desecration if the person never actually died right?)


End file.
